I feel defeated

Where I am in life feels like dream for many.You may look at my status and feel envious,even I would be envious of myself had I not been I.Although I keep smiling and a girl even said that she gets very positive vibes from me and realised she should also be smiling,I am not "perfectly happy", yes as Anne with an 'e' said. Perhaps,I am depressed.. according to my doctor,I am.He gave me antidepressants.

For how long have I been like this,it's not a new thing.It's a pretty long phase infact.

I think there are things which are innately wrong with me.Left on my own,I won't be able to survive and that I realised after going to Delhi.There are basic things I never noticed like there is an exhaust in washroom,my problem solving skills are shit.I realise,I lag behind in conversations and am unable to keep up with others.

And the funny thing is I used to believe I am a rebellious,independent girl.Like although I would depend on my sister to get me ready for a function or my father to take me places.I used to believe I would never bow down to anything unfair but I did.I did when I did not slap him,beat the hell out of him,I did when I let him get away with it with just my father's invective. That was also my father getting furious at what happened to his daughter.But what did I do????????????????????????

Cried.and cried. And told mother with watery eyes that I didn't really like the fact that he kissed my cheek.Before that,he had hugged me and I had frozen like a statue,knew it was wrong.It wasn't right.Why did I not speak up???????

Had I been confused,I wouldn't avert my eyes,look away from him,avoided him,hated him,felt disgusted by him.

Yet he is free living his life-whatever of it is left.Perhaps,wronging other girls,other women,somebody elses daughter this time or perhaps his own.Afterall,I was also in a way his blood.Had I been mentally strong and independent like I used to believe I am ,this wouldn't be my reaction.I failed myself and I am deeply sorry to myself.Should I hate myself for wronging me?Or should I love myself for the scars that need to be healed,for all I have been through.

I have no idea how I'll survive like this especially as I have to live on my own.The bird has left it's nest and the bird doesn't know how to fly.It has fallen on it's face.I was glad I was going to Delhi after my 12th and those two years had instilled me with confidence,high self-esteem but it has shattered like pieces of mirror,Can I call it a good fortune??Perhaps,if I get treated.

Life has taught me many lessons but it is as if I have refused to learn.I wanted to be a great person,someone who is an erudite,brilliant but now I feel like the dumbest person alive.I can't abandon myself and I won't. 

And also I don't feel that level of affinity with many of my friends.I used to think I was special for R but no man.R has many friends and R won't remember me even if I die.I also don't remember R as often as I used to do.Perhaps,this is the way with life.I don't care about M,T either.Like it's not the same as it was.Kind of like how Khushwant Singh got farther and farther away with his once very close grandmother.My best friends now are S and NJ.They make me feel extra special.But I wonder if the bond between I and S is also dying.We don't talk the way we used to.S was someone who had filled the emptiness of my life.I wonder how it would be like to meet her again.She was cross at someone the last time we chatted and that was also vented at me.

Of my two brothers and one sister,I love my younger brother and my elder sister.I think my elder brother is mean many a times.He has said the meanest things to me and often says that its unfair to him how I have got all those certificates and good grades while he didn't even tho he "worked really hard".I don't understand how he closes his eyes to all my efforts.Even a blind person could see how much of effort I have put to get those grades and certificates.There are some lines he says again and again,

"Kuchh v kar lo akal nhi aayega,aisa ka aisa rahegi,dimag ghutna mein h,topper hone ka kya fayda,itna marks lane ka kya fayda,kuchh nhi ho sakta tumlog ka" and also the most misogynist stuff, "ladki log ka dimag ghutna mein rahta h,Sahi bola jata h ladki log ko padhaya nhi jana chahiye phir aisa badtameezi karti h".I think the reason he calls others idiot is a reflection of his own low self-esteem and a reaction to what he himself has been called his life.Its your insecurity which you see in others the most or correct the people for.

I keep losing stuff.This is something I have been facing since childhood but it got wayyyyyyy worse in college.I keep making rounds of the admin office.Even the admin wale Sir knows me.I am so bloody disorganised.Even this blog has no structure,no flow of thought,no nothing.